In Fiction, Magazine by Kenna ORourkeLeave a Comment

What’s up y’all, T-man here, welcoming you live this morning to Quadra-Pump 3000, guaranteed hottest workout in the universe! Toss out those gnarly old Richard Simmons tapes cause we are gonna do some real work today, gonna turn you all into some fight-ing machines! I got Donna over here to my right, JJ over here on my left, and you, brother, straight ahead. All right my Quadra-people, let’s cut the chatter and get right to it – hands and knees to warm up now. Let’s do a little cat-cow – stole this move from my West Coast yogi brothers, a little stretch to get the spine crackin’ – and right on up to downward dog. I see you Donna! And walk that puppy out, wag that tail, uh-huh, now moving into plank, I like to chuck in a couple push-ups here for fun, and jump the feet to the hands. Big circle now, don’t let that core go flappy JJ, and Namaste. And now that we’re all zenned out and what not, we can get to some real action! Clear some space y’all! Startin’ off with some ply-o, we gonna jump around like some bona fide ninjas, beginning with what I like to call mountain bungees. Now, just watch me first, kids, cause this gets tricky – you watching Donna? – from the left foot, climb the mountain, hop right, left, right, four hops to the top, then bungee (!) drop down to plank and push-up hold then do it all again. Twelve times now, twelve mountains in the making, you got that JJ? Donna? People at home? Alright then, from the left – and right, left, right, left, down, hold, UP, right – JJ’s got it—he’s a cannibal. Two down and ten to go my friends – you keepin’ up Donna? Course she is, she’s a Quadra-Pump beaute. Just look at those thighs. Seven more now, right, left, right, left – kick that mountain in the mouth! You know I climbed Pike’s Peak once. Can’t say I bungeed it but not everything’s as real as Quadra-Pump 3000. And 3 … 2 … 1 … we’re golden. All right, next we reach for the cosmos with some shooting stars, take yer time in between, twenty reps, ready, reach for the sky! 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … if you’re already laggin’ better rethink your workout, cause we’re pro here. Donna with the red hair like she’s on fire. JJ with the big guns. Mmm, feeling that tasty burn! 17, 18, 19, 20, whew! JJ you know what time it is? No? Come on now, it’s your favorite time of month! JJ why you always look like you just bit an onion or something? The answer is squat time, man! Starting with 50-50, keep the crouch low like a tiger, hands on the hips like a movie star—I’m tellin’ you, THIS is the secret to great tone. Ready, thirty reps, and squat! Squat! Squat! Squat! What a weird word. Think I’ll walk around and make sure you hooligans aren’t slacking on form. Keep it low Donna – watch the tight shoulders JJ. This one really works the butt-ox. What was that Donna? Botox? Oh I thought you said Botox, my b. You sure you didn’t say Botox? Right, well anyway, don’t turn your feet out so much – that’s a good tip for the folks at home: what Donna is doing can really screw up your ankles. Let’s see, that’s 26, 27, squat! Squat! And squat! Whoo-whee, grab some water if you must, but make it a quick sip, kittens, cause right now it’s time for machine-gun feet, aka super-fluid roundhouse kicks. “Superfluous”? Looks like we’ve got a creative type—Donna’s making up words back there! That’s OK cause we are for sure gonna create some friction in here with these kicks – seventy reps per side, ready 3-2-1 rat-a-tat! The timer on the screen folks, keep your eyes on the prize we are … machines! Even JJ’s huffin’ and puffin’ – keepin’ it real for thirty more seconds! Don’t you dare let those feet touch the ground – that’s just cheating. And switch sides! Boom-boom-boom-boom. Good thing we have these spandex get-ups cause we’d be shredding anything else. Keep it toasty for 10, 9, 8 – rock it! – 4, 3, 2, 1, homerun. Now we’re gonna keep that warmth with some core work, aka seal-clap push-ups, JJ’s favorite.  He just can’t stop clapping about it, haha. Hop down to plank and get ready for the circus, ready, down, fly up and clap! Down … clap! Down-clap! Down-clap! Donna what the heck was that noise girl? You barking like a seal? She’s so into it. Donna? Whoa JJ, why you slowing brother?  Oh … oh Donna’s down. Uh, so yeah, I guess, take your time folks at home, don’t overdo it. Down … and clap. Can we get someone to check on Donna back there? She’ll be up before you can say “aarf”! Alright, well, come on JJ we got seven more to go, make ‘em strong, can’t have any of this slowing down business if we want to upgrade our 6-packs to 8-packs! No such thing as a free upgrade in Quadra-Pump 3000! Rock hard power we are PUMPIN it, three more, clap! And clap! And clap! And hop it up to a lunge. Oh whoa hey looks like we’ve got a couple of guests here … she’s not still down is she?  What…oh. Well too bad these guys didn’t, uh, didn’t bring workout clothes, haha. JJ you’re lookin’ a little gray my man, we can’t have that man, where are those pearly whites the ladies love? Come on Stone-Face, big smile for the folks at home, like this, buddy! Totally whupping you in the smile competition right now JJ. Cause what is better than really sweating it out with some workout partners like you all, folks? Right, it’s time for flying squirrels y’all, from lunge again we switch the feet then squat, jump and reach for the sky, land in lunge and do it all over again. You got this kids – ready stance, and go! Hey-o, uh, looks like we get to play, uh,  dodge the paramedics down here in the studio, uh, haha, just as long as we all keep moving everybody, should be in the air right now! Watch that stretcher JJ – hey, maybe duck down a bit next time you’re in squat. Got to be good for those quads. On the left side now – four more! Four – ho, we’ll just jump to the side of the mat here and keep on flying – don’t get distracted by those flashing lights! Can anyone see Donna? I don’t want to cut the … can’t really take the eyes off the camera. Gotta support you monsters at home, can’t cheat your workout … counting on us pros to tear up the last two squirrels! Reach for the power within—you know your chi’s blazing when you feel it real fierce in the thighs, look to that Big Coach in the Sky to get you through – last one – and – and – land! Ho, whew, geez … uh, Donna’s … Donna’s shipping out – maybe not, uh, as pro as I thought, uh, haha. Hey Mike, any way we can cut down the siren noise for the cool-down? Well then, uh, guys and gals, chicks and chickens, we made it through like animals! JJ was slackin’ there for a stretch, doggin’ it – hope you all proved him wrong at home. Nice big arm circles here, in side-split to work out the kinks, some yoga breath. Kind of a grunt, maybe a hiss – hey, maybe a bark haha – on the exhale, lion breath, hhhaaa! One more time – hhhhaa! I bet lion’s breath smells real bad. Nicely done kiddos, bring it up for Namaste. Remember to eat some lean protein, maybe a recovery shake. T-man about to sign off, reminding you that Quadra-Pump 4000 is available for pre-order at the number below—check the digits on your screen. Nice sweat y’all.  Take it easy till tomorrow.

Kenna ORourkePro

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